Field Vision

Ok, for all those that know me the following statement will come as a shock:

I went to work at my father’s office today.

Yes… work… and no, I do not get paid for it so I can still claim that I have never worked (for pay) a day in my life. Volunteering does not count and is an entirely different blog post in itself.

To the point:

Field Vision Tests suck. I mean hard core, “I’ve been making pr0n movies since I was 12”, “the brass off a door knob”, “thru a straw”, SUCK.

The whole point of the test is to assess one’s vision. Central and Peripheral. Now, in order to do this painful eXerciZe in patience, one must sit still for 15 min increments and stare at a tiny… white… dot.

While staring at the boring, unmoving, uninteresting dot; one will see – or think they see – other white dots of higher or lower intensity blinking all around one’s head. When said other dots are seen, the patient cliX a button… thatZ right… like the most boring video game ever invented.

The test alone is torture, however, watching someone take the test is anguish, upon suffering and makes me beg, pray, and plead that the next patient will fall and break some vital bone that makes it impossible to take the damned test… like their thumb for instance. No thumb, no clicky clicky.

I have to make the patient sit still and watch the dot. If they move their eye to look at the other blinking dots I must berate them. If their head moveZ up or down in the contraption, I must adjust them via little swirly spinny wheels until their eye is again in the cross hair of the computer screen I am watching.

Most of the time I sit and wish for my own clicky button to press. Whenever the patient moveZ I can press my clicky and send 1000000 voltZ of pure electric pain shooting thru their body.

I'm pretty sure they wouldn’t fidget after that.

The fact that I have to monitor the patients eye status takes a lot of out my reading time - I read to pass the time... or else I would go insane and start throwing things. Not only am I sitting in a dark room with only the green light of the text on the screen to read by, but every few secondZ I must look up and make sure tweedle dee hasn’t slumped over or gone to sleep.

I hate when they go to sleep. It means I have to talk to them to keep them awake. Do you know how annoying it is making small talk with a perfect stranger when all they can do is mumble “yes” or “no”.

Talking means they must move their chin, which meanZ their eye moveZ.

That would really be great if I had my own electric clicky. I could trick them into talking – thus moving – and then have an eXcuse to Zap them.