Ok, so I am part of a writers community and another member and I took part in a duel. The parameters were as followZ:I propose a write off for the phate of our planet.
Whoever wins gains the right to try his – or her as the case may be – hand at world domination.
Two pages (at least, but try to stay under five) of _why_ we want to conquer this world.
• What devices would you use (ie for me it would be penguins)
• What your main reasons are for believing that the world would operate better under your guidance
• Would you use threats and force or guise and subterfuge, etc.
These questions _must_ be met within paper, however, feel free to babble at will about other things.
And my submission was also as followZ:
Our world. It is plagued by disease, famine, war, and – most destructive of all – Stupidity.
No man could rein the universe more effectively than the blatant idiocy that now rules over our society with an iron fist.
Since Adam and Eve inherited the earth, Stupidity has been lurking in the shadows waiting to pounce upon his chance to rule.
And it didn’t take long. (Apples are not that good!)
Thousands of years of lording its power over this planet and I say it is time for a change of leadership.
Me.
This world of spinning rims, blonde sex pots using their apartments as a brothel, and really horrible movies getting funding will be no more!
How would I take over this planet? Well, I would prefer if humanity handed it over to me along with a platter of pineapple as garnish, but somehow I do not foresee this happening. Instead – I imagine – I will be obliged to take the earth by force.
I will not use unsubstantiated threats, as these are easily seen through and give any would-be heroes time to group together and form the irrational and dangerous plans that are “so crazy it just might work,” that tend to overthrow evil regimes.
Nuclear bombs and Rocket Propelled Grenades seem to be all the fad in world domination these days, but I have opted for something more environmentally friendly (yes, I will be that kind of ruler) and less cost intensive.
Penguins!
Many of my future subjects may consider themselves to be immune to the fear of penguins (“Oh! They are so cute!”), but I will enlighten them. There are seventeen species of penguins – all carnivorous. The Macaroni boast 24 million members, the Chinstrap claim 14 million, and the Rockhopper have 8 million penguins at last count. In sheer numbers alone my penguins could wipe out humanity… and all for a few buckets of fish.
If a stunning array of black and white (hungry, meat eating,) soldiers quickly marching down on you does not strike fear into your heart, then maybe my generals will: the Emperor Penguin, who can weigh as much as a boy band member – of which there will be no more when I have control over the world.
Added to the fact that animal rights activists would most likely join my side upon realizing their ultimate dream has come true (a world overtaken by animals), there would be those who still – even while having their eyes pecked from their heads – would find it impossible to shoot such an adorable little creature.
As you can see, my massive army has the sheer numbers and bulk to stage a successful world coup against humans, so there should be no question as to my ability for domination.
But what of my plans when the world falls into my hands? Drastic change will be my theme as the people of this world – along with a bit of nudging from my penguin allies – help me in melting down all spinning rims for the raw material for the world first space cruiser. Members of college sororities and fraternities will be my test subjects for the first few launches of the world’s ship into space. I am hoping for at least a few explosions (‘twill help clean the gene pool of alcoholics).
The money for our space project will be pulled from movies that I deem unfit for viewing, such as “Meet the Fockers” or “Dodgeball”. These are a vapid waste of money which can be much better spent on a space exploration project that will extend my Empire to the stars.
Not only do I wish to extend my Empire to other galaxies, but I also want to search for a type of giant slug that I know must exist somewhere in this vast universe. The slug is about five feet long and man eating, but still sort of cute in the that “I am a slimy being” kind of way.
I plan to keep the slugs happy and in no way mistreated so that one day – if it ever comes to this – when the slugs accidentally escape from their confines, their first bit of business will not be to eat me in revenge for tearing them away from their homeland of Putrid 5. They will be fed daily and be allowed to gorge themselves on the delicacy known as all liars.
That’s right; all liars of my realm will be fed to giant man eating slugs for slow and painful ingestion. It will be televised to act as further deterrent.
Such lies as: “The walls of these apartments are perfectly sound-proofed and you will never hear the people above you,” will be punishable by devourment and a hearty and slightly maniacal laugh from me.
To make my penguin legion feel at home, even while they are not, I will have all armories turned into frozen penguin habitats. A law will be put into effect that will prohibit homelessness; therefore all homeless will be given the jobs of converting the armories into suitable habitats for my army. My workers will be fed well – probably fish of some sort – and housed in capital buildings around the globe for I will have no need of fat bureaucrats in my new society.
In fact, all old government workers of high ranking will be weeded out – with the most ambitious weasels being fed to my slugs – and the most eager to please being put in charge of a food program that will convert all Abercrombie & Fitch stores into edible matter – they are of no use to anyone left in their current form.
Speaking of clothing, because I am so fond of the stereotype that all futuristic societies will wear skin tight, silver synthetic (and because I am sick of seeing twelve year olds in bad Moulin Rouge knock offs) I think that will be the new uniform. Mine, of course, will have some sort of elaborate feather and leather decoration a la the evil queen in Red Sonya.
Anyone that does not have a pleasing aesthetic look in the skin tight suit will be put into an intensive program with controlled exercise and food intake, thereby securing – if the said participant does not die – that only healthy genes are passed on.
On the note of passing genes, I will not pull a Brave New World and control breeding in a sterile environment. However, you will be required to acquire a missive granting you the right to marry and procreate (WWII, anyone?). Any subject found with a particularly nasty disease will be attained for testing in one of my labs and either frozen until a cure can be found or ejected into space to test the actual effects of being ejected into space has upon a human.
Rap and Country music will be abolished as well as all singers under the age of twenty five. Rammstein will be attained for my own viewing pleasure and anyone that rolls into a supermarket or sits in traffic with their bass at a level that would kill squirrels will be immediately pounced upon by my legion and brought to me for torture.
Since the threat of torture and being a slugs lunch is not enough to deter some of the harder headed humans on the planet, I plan to keep humanity happy. Prostitution will be legalized, but heavily screened. It will only take place in certain zones of my new world and anyone caught deviating from the health codes and safe zones will become hard laborers in bringing the third world countries up to par. Las Vegas will become a reward for good behavior for my human generals, and all theme parks will be used as incentive for cooperation and hard work.
Along with happy subjects, I would like to rule over intelligent subjects. A world wide system of learning will be established to educate (and socialize) the masses. And in the spirit of my American heritage there will be only one religion: mine.
All drugs will be laced with arsenic so anyone stupid enough to ingest, smoke or otherwise put the crap into their bodies will be eliminated from my empire.
For fairness all unlawful acts will be posted across my new internet (free of pop up and credit card ads) and every man, woman, and child will be required to learn them from heart. This stops the lame and overused excuse of, “I just didn’t know.”
Overall I believe I will be a fair and just ruler, with only the occasional burst of Hitler-esque mania. My subjects will be treated fairly as long as they dwell within my laws and do not toe the edge of stupidity.
